I Break My Heart

Arriving At Love

2011-07-18T17:32:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a very long time since I've posted anything, but it was because I was busy putting together a book. Encouraged by some friends, I finally self-published Arriving At Love:

I want to thank all of you that have been reading and encouraging my writing. I hope to get back to posting updates here again soon. In the meanwhile, please consider supporting me by picking up a copy of Arriving At Love here. You can also pick up the digital copy here. Thank you!

Accidental Deletion

2010-10-27T14:46:00.001-07:00

Sorry about any inconvenience you may have had. I accidentally deleted the wrong blog, and finally got things restored. I know I haven't written much recently, but I'll be posting stuff again soon.

Thanks for reading!

A Dream, A Glimpse

2010-02-11T13:15:00.000-08:00

It was a dream
But we were happy there
We soared through the air
On clouds of yesteryear
Splashed down in the Hudson
You were drenched
I gave you my shirt
Kites were still painting
The bluest of skies
Holding hands, that stolen kiss
Under bridges of Central Park
In the midst of human waves
I got lost in your eyes
We took off again
Up Broadway this time
Walking below glowing lights
Cars zipped past
People passed by
It didn't bother us, we knew
That time was on our side
The moon stood high
Up past his bedtime
Lighting our path
Away from city lights
The night was ours
But it was short-lived
As the sun came around again,
Her warmth a rosy kiss
On your perfect skin,
I found myself in my room
Shades drawn, empty bed,
Only a glimpse of you
In the recesses of my mind
Poets have often wondered
What heaven is like
They each disagree
But if I had a choice
It would be eternity
With you by my side.

Woman of Action

2010-01-10T17:00:00.000-08:00

Woman of action
Breath of fresh air
Words now prosaic
We have plenty to spare
Words, they end up
In pages in books
History framed by
Victors, cowards and crooks
But actions, they often
Change this selfish world
Sometimes for the better
They're banners unfurled
Still I prefer action
Its conduits though rare
When words became useless,
We had plenty to spare.

Silence

2009-11-19T07:00:00.000-08:00

Silence, my dear old friend
The only one who ever understood me
I've felt your pain, traveling the world
Looking for a place to rest your weary soul
But alas, no place that hasn't left you
Beaten, bruised, broken - the suckling child,
The dripping water, the chirping lark -
They've betrayed you, and, much like me,
Your only lover has been loneliness,
The harlot that's shared many beds.
So I call to you, my dear old friend -
Come lay your head down beside mine
I'll forget all my worthless words,
Breathing quietly only when imperative
So that you may find some rest here
And so will I, if the cosmos grants it.

Love / a Haiku

2009-08-02T07:15:00.000-07:00

Love is a pink dress
And the girl more radiant
Than sunlight itself.

The Cynic Within

2009-05-01T02:35:00.000-07:00

In the silence of the night
I hear echoes of my mistakes
Time moves backwards
Mocking my indiscretions
And as the distant sirens
Fade into irrelevance,
The creaking chair reminds me
I am as I've always been
My only companion resting
As I lay wide awake
Is it late or is it early?
I can't tell anymore
Even sleep is deceiving
My body's stopped healing
And rest is a luxury
That money can't buy
Indulged in my comforts,
I still lay restless
The sheets are undone
And I'm uninspired
The words are forced,
The emotions complacent
I'm losing hope or perhaps
Acknowledging that fact
It's the same process
Every night these days
Maybe hope has abandoned
The cynic within and
All that remains is me,
The same I've always been.

Raindrops On My Window

2009-01-24T09:00:00.000-08:00

It's like the pattering of tiny feet,
That slightly obnoxious sound Christmas morning
When the antsy nieces and nephews run down
The wooden halls and stairs to see,
They want to know the culmination, the
Final results of the test of naughty or nice,
Whether last month's good deeds outweighed the year's bad
And find out what their reward for that is.

Yet as you listen closely, you realize that
Their true excitement lies not in overwrought notions of worth
But in the simplicity of hope and the hope of joy,
Carried to my piqued ears, as they try to sneak by
And just as those excited footsteps
I am welcomed this morning by rain
Though her intention, as theirs, was never to wake me
I am amused by her whispering all the same.

The Beginning Of Fall

2008-09-30T14:40:00.000-07:00

Fall begins
And so does my descent
Into loneliness;
The hibernation
Of my heart and soul
To make it through
Another year
I don't have much longer
Just a few more days
Save me if you will
But the cost
Is much too high
I doubt it's even
Worth your while
But it's alright
I've been here before
Just a few months
Out of the year
To go underground
Hide from the world
And wait for things
To hopefully change
And begin anew
When the sun warms again
And love, she returns
To her anxious forlorn.

The Uncertainty Of It All

2008-09-14T00:00:00.000-07:00

There's this uncertainty, you know,
The kind that wakes you up at night
In the midst of dreams or otherwise
And you can't quite breathe
You're not heaving, no, but you feel
As though these might be the last ones,
The few remaining breaths that
Will ever enter into your lungs before
You leave this shallow frame behind
It's hallucinatory, perhaps,
Confusing mostly, for you don't know
And you don't understand anything
There's a lack of clarity and sanity
Your thoughts rotate in circles
Around your perplexed head, and
Everything feels like it'll end
Unless you make the right decision
But what the hell is that anyway?
There is no wrong or right, I feel
That there is no way of knowing,
Just guessing, but then how do you choose?
I'm paralyzed, and I don't know
How to escape from this situation
But escape I must as there isn't
An alternate option left for me
Either I choose correctly, and
Sleep lulls me back into her sweet arms
Or I battle against my constitution
Till the sun conquers the darkness
Outside my curtains this night.

The funny thing is that I've played
This game plenty of nights before
And I've chosen differently each time
Yet I still find no rest for my soul
Until I am graced by the morning light.

The Photographer's Dilemma

2008-08-28T13:30:00.000-07:00

I am getting lost
In the semblances of reality
Beginning to question
This illusion of beauty
And wondering,
Wondering whether
Destruction is wrong or right
Because, honestly,
I destroy her face every time
I wipe out everything
That wouldn't belong
According to Mr. Perfect himself
But we're not perfect
I'm not perfect
So why do I remove them,
The blemishes that make
Her face truly unique?
I mean, isn't that beauty?
The details, the marks that
Really set you apart
From them, those other girls
Who take the money
And don't care as to
Whether or not
It's really them in the end
No there's no beauty
Left anymore
The media teaches them
That they can be...
Just like everyone else
When did individuality
Become conformity? It's
Deception to the highest degree
And I'm a dupe
Yeah, we're all dupes
Cause we've bought into it
Forgetting the truth about beauty
No, not some nonsense
About the beholder's eye
But the reason why
We appreciate what we see
It's because there's purity
And as the Savior once said
Purity comes from the heart
It's not another coat you put on
Or something you stumble upon
It's a whole new breed
Of thought, and so I say
When we find our way again,
Maybe I'll return then
And try to reframe
My state of mind
But as for now, I'm lost
With no hope for salvation
From this state of mine
So forgive me as I
Say my goodbye
And enter into exile.

The Way I See You

2008-08-26T00:15:00.000-07:00

I love the way that
Your nose wrinkles up
And your eyes look like
They're almost shut
Every time you smile
It's a tragedy really
Since you have the most
Beautiful golden eyes
I've ever seen, especially
When they get that
Twinkle, that sparkle
And you smile, knowing
That you've made me do
Something I would never do
In front of you for
I tend to live mostly
Inside my own head
But you claim your victory,
Leaving me on my knees
Begging for more, honey,
More of you in my life

But they don't understand,
This world thinks you're
Just a silly girl
For they don't know you
Like I do, and
They don't see you
The way I do
So climb on up, my love
And live inside me
Wear the crown that
Most queens would envy
As you sit on the throne
Of this lovesick heart
And wait it out till
We're ready to show them all
What it is we're worth
For, honey, we're worth it all

The Halfway Prince

2008-07-16T02:00:00.000-07:00

Really, anything
Would be better
Than to wait here
And wonder what you'll say
Wading through self-doubt
At the end of the day
And knowing
I'm not good enough for you
So I'll hide away
From emotion, and
Keep the world at bay
Cause, honestly,
You don't want to be
Inside my head,
This land of hypocrisy,
Well I made my bed here
And I'll lie in it
Waiting for the moments
To pass ever slowly
Patience has become
The thorn in my hide
I'm learning to ignore it
But I'll just keep playing
A little bit longer
Watch those nearest
Wither away, and
When everyone's gone,
I'll retreat in a day,
Saying goodbye to reality,
Embracing true lunacy.

I'm the halfway prince
Living between these worlds
I don't know what I want,
But it doesn't matter,
For I'm rejected by both.

Grace, Really

2008-06-28T14:10:00.000-07:00

There are moments,
Real moments,
Where I feel
Connected
To something
Prodigious
It's this
Overwhelming sense
Of grandeur
That overtakes me
As I stare into
The deep blue sky
Or the
Endless ocean,
And I feel
Infinitesimal,
Smaller than
A grain of sand
In comparison
To the solar system,
But truly,
That doesn't even
Begin to explain it
Yet all the same,
I partake in
This communion
With the eternal
It's transcendent,
This feeling, yet
Real in every way
It's a time
Where neither
The past
Nor the future
Matter one bit
Every passing moment
Is an eternity
In itself,
One that fades
Rather quickly
I'm lost and found,
Lost and found again,
Like the waves
That form and reform,
Yet in that
Redundancy
Lies my identity,
Therein lies
My hope and salvation,
My sanity even
For, if not
For those moments,
I wouldn't be
The man I am today
I couldn't be
What I'm called to be
It's grace, really,
That helps me
See clearly
In those moments,
Real moments,
And I wouldn't
Have it
Any other way.

3:16 AM

2008-06-12T13:30:00.000-07:00

I reach my hand
To touch your face
And you're not there
You haven't been
For a long time
But this memory skin
Keeps wanting to feel
You once more
To remember again
What it felt like
To be loved
And to hold love
In my arms
No, all that's left
Are pillow cases
Scented with
Your ever-fading
Perfume, and yet
I still sleep
On one side,
The other left
Forever lacking
Your presence,
Forever mocking
My loneliness.

Wandering Still

2008-05-21T09:15:00.000-07:00

I am a ghost
Of who I could be
I walk the halls
Of my apartment
But the floors,
They don't know me
And the walls,
They don't recognize
My scent any longer
I'm not here,
Though I walk
In my skin,
It's harder now
To figure out
What's wrong with me
Every moment of
This lasting night
Finds me hopelessly
Wondering, wandering
Aimlessly still,
I circle my head
Trapped inside
The inconsistencies
Incapacitate my
Perishing constitution
And I'm losing
My will to accept
My next breath
It seems as though
There might be hope
In what they say:
"There is rest in death".

Young Love

2008-04-20T21:50:00.000-07:00

The Admired:
She ruffled her hair
And let the rest fall,
Dancing to a beat
That gravity put forth
Into motion before
The foundations of
The universe were laid
And as they bounced,
The sun shining
Through her hair
Kissed her cheek
And made her blush
At the prospect of
Her perfect prince
Admiring her beauty
Through the corner
Of his entranced eyes.

Her Admirer:
All he really wanted
Was a smile, a nod
Of approval from the one
He cherished even more
Than the stars that
Kissed the posts of his bed
Those long nights when
He battled insomnia
And the dragons in his
Overactive imagination,
The depths of which
No ordinary boy could
Really know or understand
But to him as real as the
Warm rays of the sun
That graced her cheeks
As she danced that
Beautiful Sunday
Morning away.

Someone, Anyone

2008-04-18T00:05:00.000-07:00

So many years ago
I wanted to be
Someone, anyone
A lawyer, a doctor
An engineer, a scientist
A writer, a musician
An astronaut even
I wanted respect
I wanted love
I wanted to belong
So many years past
I find myself
Wishing I was
Someone, anyone
That I am not today.

Detoxification

2008-04-11T02:35:00.000-07:00

Eyes dilated
The heart beats
Faster than
It should
The body
Sweats profusely
Dehydration
Inevitable
He grabs his knees
Pulls them in
Closer
Close enough
So nothing
Can hurt him
He's safe now
He's safe now
He's safe...

Understanding Beauty

2008-03-09T21:31:00.000-07:00

Your Father
Looks unto you,
His precious daughter,
And calls you
Beautiful
You're the apple
Of His eye,
The center
Of His universe
You are absolutely loved
And incomparably so.

Yet you doubt yourself
And you shy away
You question your
Heart's motivations
But maybe that's why
Beauty exudes forth
From your spirit
You don't boast
In your appearance
You don't care
To draw attention
You're content knowing
That everything
Will be okay.

And maybe that's why
One can't help himself
But fall for your
Cascading grace
He'll get more
Than he'll ever see
For your spirit is where
Your beauty lies.

Your modesty breaks the proudest heart
So now, consider this heart broken.

A Lover's Pledge

2008-03-01T15:40:00.000-08:00

"I want to
Hold your face
In my hands,
Gaze into your eyes
And tell you
That I love you,
Tell you that
You're beautiful,
Affirm you
And confirm you
In everything
You do,
Tell you that
Though the world
May fail you,
I'll do my best
To protect you,
Share my life
With you,
Cherish you
And adore you,
Forget my worries
When I'm with you,
And love you
Like I've never
Loved anyone before.

I want to
Do all this
And more, love,
So take my hand
And follow me,
I promise I will
Do my best to
Never let you down."

Seconds

2008-03-01T01:47:00.000-08:00

Seconds
That's all the time
We gave ourselves
And it was enough,
Enough for hellos,
No goodbyes,
Not quite yet
This is but
The beginning...

I Saw The Most Beautiful Sunset In Your Eyes

2008-02-26T12:20:00.000-08:00

I've seen many
Beautiful sunsets,
And though
This one
Might be
The most
Beautiful one
We'll ever see,
I'm more enchanted
By the face
That's lit
By the fading sun.
The oranges
And purples
That light up your eyes
Only add to your
God-given beauty
And I can't
Help myself
As I'm falling
In love with you.

Loved

2008-02-13T22:55:00.000-08:00

You are loved
More than words
Could ever say
More than actions
Could portray
You are loved
Not because of
What you do
Not because
Of how you act
Or what you say
Or any of that
You're a son
You're a daughter
And you are loved
No matter what

So don't let
The world beat
You down
Stand up
For yourself
Stand up
And tell them all
You're worth it
For you
Are
Loved.

Guide Me Home

2008-02-12T16:10:00.000-08:00

Show me the lights
That'll guide me home
Right into your arms
Where I feel safe
Under those sheets
Really might be
The only place
I've ever felt safe.

I've grown weary
Of this cold world
Ready to shun
At the drop of a hat
Willing to hurt
Step right over you
Every little chance
They seem to get.

Close the curtains
Turn off the lights
I'm giving up on
Fighting this fight
Take me in
Keep me close
I just wanna sleep
And forget this world.

Another Time, Another Place

2008-02-04T10:35:00.000-08:00

I love you
With all of me,
I truly do
And I know
You love me too
I see it in
Your nervous eyes
As you smile
Right past
Your insecurities.

But these are not
Our lives, love,
This isn't our
Chance to be
Fate played a game,
Watched it unfold
From the moment
You said hello
That summer afternoon.

But maybe there is
A time, a place
Where we will be reborn
And we'll outdo our fates,
Meet each other before
The world has beaten us down
And grown us weary,
Jaded, really,
A place, a time
When we'll spend our lives
In each other's arms,
Watching the years pass by
Kissing our mortality away
One day at a time,
Having known love,
Having loved you
From the moment
You'll say hello
That summer afternoon.

Perhaps, there will be
Another time, another place...

Another Fruitless Romance

2008-01-14T17:57:00.000-08:00

Go ahead and enjoy
Your fruitless romance
You always dance
Around words anyway
I've waited before
And I'll wait until
You go and break
Your heart again
It's always
The same, sad story
You'll bring to me
And I'll listen,
That's what I do
And in two weeks time
You will find
Yourself in
Another loser's arms
Asking for my approval
And I'll say okay
It's what I always do
Wouldn't you know it?
I do it only for you.

Delusions

2008-01-10T12:57:00.001-08:00

Sometimes,
It's the delusions
We wished we had
That keep us
Moving along...

Pleading Reposing Angels

2007-12-24T11:10:00.000-08:00

The porch becomes home
For our starry pursuits
As we ask questions
This sleepless night
Appealing the heavens
Bestow upon us grace
Amidst our hopelessness
And despite our brokenness
For we are naught
If not for redemption
And we have naught
If not for restoration
The answers are simple
The solution accessible
Infuse us with courage
And light our way
We've found eternity
Hidden in our hearts
Guide us home tonight
And take our fears away.

Being the Odd-Numbered Wheel

2007-12-19T02:25:00.000-08:00

I was at a friend's birthday dinner the other night. As time went on, people kept leaving, until there were five of us that were hanging out for a little while. It was my friend (birthday guy) and his wife, another friend, his girlfriend, and myself. Hello fifth wheel!

It's never really fun to be the third, fifth, or any odd-numbered wheel in a group. You know that sooner or later, the conversation will lead to 'couple talk', and that's when it gets really, really awkward. And this is especially so if you're not in a relationship. If you have a girlfriend / boyfriend that couldn't make it, it's still odd, but not that bad. But when you're depressingly alone, 'couple talk' doesn't help you all that much. You pretty much want to bury a hole, and stick your head inside it like an ostrich (or whatever bird that does that). Let's just say it's not fun.

The good thing was that new topics of conversation kept coming up that had absolutely nothing to do with relationships. And as any single person amongst couples would do, I kept milking those topics for all they were worth to avoid said talk. Eventually, that talk did come up, and I zoned out for a little bit... I think. In any case, it was short, and hence sweet... again, I think. But it got me thinking about something - what if you're with a couple or two or x, and there's two of you that could fit the category of odd-numbered wheel?

In that same scenario, if there was a girl that was there with us, and we were friends or acquaintances, how awkward would that have been? It probably would have been worse if I actually liked her too... holy crap, I just realized I sound like a teenager, and I should be in bed. That's it, this entry's over.

Serendipity

2007-12-10T19:55:00.000-08:00

Ah 'tis such folly
To dream of finding
Love serendipitously
Whereby the stars align
And the universe
Sings paeans of
Love and romance
Tis but a chance,
An infinitesimal one,
But I'll take it
For I am a fool
Unto love eternal.

Shattered

2007-12-08T12:45:00.000-08:00

Broken and beaten,
I gather my pieces
Pretending that
Everything is okay
That if I try
Hard enough,
This'll all go away
But it doesn't
Work that way
Admittance is self-defeat,
Isn't it?
Or is it a chance
To grow even more?
Like the photographer,
You look at me and say,
'You're perfect and
Beautifully so
I wouldn't have you
Any other way'
And so in my brokenness,
I look unto
These open skies
And whisper out,
'I'm okay...'